Hadassah Jones
by
Mary Vettel
“So, nu? Happy New Year everyone. Welcome to the Hadassah Jones Show.
Before I get started let me apologize. On our last show I told you that today we would have a very special guest: Rahm Emanuel, former White House Chief of Staff to President Barack Obama – I know, right? And is presently trying to throw his hat into the ring for Mayor of Chicago. But as you know, Chicago is a windy city and his hat seems to keep blowing out of that ring. [broad wink] Yes, I know. I got your hopes up and now must bring disappointment. For that I apologize. But Rahm’s people – yes, his people called my people – which is me really ‘cause I have no people – to say he was snowed in and couldn’t make it. Oy. We’ll try to reschedule.
Anyway, back to the holiday wrap up. I hope your Hanukkah and Kwanzaa celebrations were beautiful. A word of caution if you’re like me and my mister and you’re combining your respective religious celebrations – be careful! Between the menorah and the kinara – both 7-branched candle holders – ach! from 14 candles the draperies almost caught fire already.
Well, to be honest, I can’t say I’m sorry to see the holidays go. Save your boos Don’t get me started. How about you? Oy, did my kitchen get a workout. It’s like Bob & Gillian made my stove do crunches. (chuckles) If it’s a year before I see another gefilte fish spare rib, it’ll be too soon. My Tyrone can eat, God bless him and he loves my gefilte fish spare ribs, if I may be so immodest. Enough already and double oy! Bar-B-Q sauce and pickling juices ruined a perfectly good manicure.
The house was full of people. It’s a regular mishegas of kissing and hugging and ‘Girl, you look fine,’ and, ‘Dahlink, your nose looks fabulous.’ And speaking of noses, if I may interject here, and of course I can, it’s my show. (chuckles) This is sexist, I know, aimed at the girls. Ladies, and you know who you are, if your nose looks like it should be on a postcard of Jimmy Durante, don’t be putting hoops or studs in or on it. It only draws the eye to it rather than camouflaging. And for you youngsters who don’t know from Jimmy Durante, go read a book already.
Anywho, the house was crowded with old people, young people. Black people, white people. Jews, non-Jews. Shmegegges, goniffs and meshugges. Some with fades, some with payis. Hey, it’s mishpochech – were all family, right? We’re living large at casa Jones, but no gangstas. That nonsense isn’t permitted in the Jones household. I don’t want any tsuris, especially around the holidays. So sue me.
The Manishewitz and grape soda flowed like water. The Unity Cup was passed but Tyrone’s little God-niece, Tyrequeia, had such a runny nose I nearly hurled. Feh! It was nasty. I had bottled water instead.
And everybody brought. We had Chicken Yassa, okra latkes, kreplach dumplings, Kosher fried chicken and collards, sweet potato kugels, rugelach, Benny Cakes, corn bread, and challah. A challah mavin I’m not. I guess I brushed on too much butter and instead of looking like a beautiful blond French braid, it looked more like the top of Stevie Wonder’s head. The list goes on. Just telling you and I’m exhausted.
You know me, I’m heymish – down to earth, no frills, no airs. And I just wanted to kibbitz with our family and friends but I nibbled and noshed – even the dreck – that now I’m zaftig. Zaftig plus. I got what Tyrone says is junk in the trunk – and elsewhere. Let’s me honest. Luckily I can hide it under my dashiki. Like my shmatteh? [Pats her African design headscarf.] From the same unisex kente dashiki pattern. I’m not much of a sewer (tailor), but any yutz can follow a Simplicity pattern. Am I right, ladies? Just goes to show that every woman likes to dress up and look pretty whether it’s a pretty headscarf or a big floppy quasi-rasta knit.
Getting back to the holidays. Oy, and the music! From Tevya to Kanye. Tyrone and I played “I Have a Little Dreidel” by the late Rick James over and over. Very moving. He’ll be missed. [Dabs at eyes.]
Be sure to check out my ezine – that’s a magazine on the computer for you older folks. Go to: www.BubbeJones.com. It’s full of recipes, helpful hints and plenty of opinions. Like:
Remember, as my Bubbe would say: If you are going to do something wrong, enjoy it! And, If you stay at home you won’t wear out your shoes. And you probably won’t get caught in a drive-by shooting. Ha!
I kid. But seriously, thanks for tuning in. Get out of the house. Go, check on your altacocker neighbors. Maybe they need you should go to the store for them. It’ll be a mitzvah. Zay gezunt and keep it real, baby.
by
Mary Vettel
“So, nu? Happy New Year everyone. Welcome to the Hadassah Jones Show.
Before I get started let me apologize. On our last show I told you that today we would have a very special guest: Rahm Emanuel, former White House Chief of Staff to President Barack Obama – I know, right? And is presently trying to throw his hat into the ring for Mayor of Chicago. But as you know, Chicago is a windy city and his hat seems to keep blowing out of that ring. [broad wink] Yes, I know. I got your hopes up and now must bring disappointment. For that I apologize. But Rahm’s people – yes, his people called my people – which is me really ‘cause I have no people – to say he was snowed in and couldn’t make it. Oy. We’ll try to reschedule.
Anyway, back to the holiday wrap up. I hope your Hanukkah and Kwanzaa celebrations were beautiful. A word of caution if you’re like me and my mister and you’re combining your respective religious celebrations – be careful! Between the menorah and the kinara – both 7-branched candle holders – ach! from 14 candles the draperies almost caught fire already.
Well, to be honest, I can’t say I’m sorry to see the holidays go. Save your boos Don’t get me started. How about you? Oy, did my kitchen get a workout. It’s like Bob & Gillian made my stove do crunches. (chuckles) If it’s a year before I see another gefilte fish spare rib, it’ll be too soon. My Tyrone can eat, God bless him and he loves my gefilte fish spare ribs, if I may be so immodest. Enough already and double oy! Bar-B-Q sauce and pickling juices ruined a perfectly good manicure.
The house was full of people. It’s a regular mishegas of kissing and hugging and ‘Girl, you look fine,’ and, ‘Dahlink, your nose looks fabulous.’ And speaking of noses, if I may interject here, and of course I can, it’s my show. (chuckles) This is sexist, I know, aimed at the girls. Ladies, and you know who you are, if your nose looks like it should be on a postcard of Jimmy Durante, don’t be putting hoops or studs in or on it. It only draws the eye to it rather than camouflaging. And for you youngsters who don’t know from Jimmy Durante, go read a book already.
Anywho, the house was crowded with old people, young people. Black people, white people. Jews, non-Jews. Shmegegges, goniffs and meshugges. Some with fades, some with payis. Hey, it’s mishpochech – were all family, right? We’re living large at casa Jones, but no gangstas. That nonsense isn’t permitted in the Jones household. I don’t want any tsuris, especially around the holidays. So sue me.
The Manishewitz and grape soda flowed like water. The Unity Cup was passed but Tyrone’s little God-niece, Tyrequeia, had such a runny nose I nearly hurled. Feh! It was nasty. I had bottled water instead.
And everybody brought. We had Chicken Yassa, okra latkes, kreplach dumplings, Kosher fried chicken and collards, sweet potato kugels, rugelach, Benny Cakes, corn bread, and challah. A challah mavin I’m not. I guess I brushed on too much butter and instead of looking like a beautiful blond French braid, it looked more like the top of Stevie Wonder’s head. The list goes on. Just telling you and I’m exhausted.
You know me, I’m heymish – down to earth, no frills, no airs. And I just wanted to kibbitz with our family and friends but I nibbled and noshed – even the dreck – that now I’m zaftig. Zaftig plus. I got what Tyrone says is junk in the trunk – and elsewhere. Let’s me honest. Luckily I can hide it under my dashiki. Like my shmatteh? [Pats her African design headscarf.] From the same unisex kente dashiki pattern. I’m not much of a sewer (tailor), but any yutz can follow a Simplicity pattern. Am I right, ladies? Just goes to show that every woman likes to dress up and look pretty whether it’s a pretty headscarf or a big floppy quasi-rasta knit.
Getting back to the holidays. Oy, and the music! From Tevya to Kanye. Tyrone and I played “I Have a Little Dreidel” by the late Rick James over and over. Very moving. He’ll be missed. [Dabs at eyes.]
Be sure to check out my ezine – that’s a magazine on the computer for you older folks. Go to: www.BubbeJones.com. It’s full of recipes, helpful hints and plenty of opinions. Like:
- Does a yarmulke look right with dreadlocks? Don’t be a shmuck, of course it does.
- What can I give my nephew in place of 3 gold coins for Hanukkah gelt due to his allergic reaction to chocolate? How ‘bout a coloring book and some crayons? He’ll thank you later when he’s not spending his Bar Mitzvah money on ProActive for the pimples.
- Is it OK to give an Afro-merkin to Tante Miriam? As her friend Rachel.
- Is it OK to serve beef jerky with a smear on a bagel? Do you have to ask?
Remember, as my Bubbe would say: If you are going to do something wrong, enjoy it! And, If you stay at home you won’t wear out your shoes. And you probably won’t get caught in a drive-by shooting. Ha!
I kid. But seriously, thanks for tuning in. Get out of the house. Go, check on your altacocker neighbors. Maybe they need you should go to the store for them. It’ll be a mitzvah. Zay gezunt and keep it real, baby.
