I wonder what the cop at the front desk would think if I went in asking for a Restraining Order against my ex to keep him from invading my dreams [and not in a pleasant, wanted way].   I know I'm not alone in this which is why I'm surprised a way to avoid these unwanted slumber intrusions isn't being marketed on late night infomercials along with those Snore-no-More nose strips and blankety-robe thingies.

Warts and All – a stupid phrase that could have just as easily been in the item below – means to accept someone as they are.  The Warts bit could be plainly visible (though some are hidden and aren’t really mentioned) – this could be metaphorical as well as real life big old warts.    Written into some legal documents for purchasing a home, car, boat, jet-ski, piano, etc. – are the two words: As Is.  Meaning you had your opportunity to check it out, hire an inspector to look for leaks, kick the tires, etc., and once you signed on the dotted line, it’s yours, buddy.  No backsies.

If only we could carry over that agreement into our personal lives and be more accepting of those who appear flawed, damaged, broken, broken-in, lived in, full of stories, compassionate, willing to lend a supportive ear or shoulder.  [With the proviso that these flaws, damages, etc., are slight, and tolerable, acceptable.  Not frighteningly scary: “Winning!”]  Just a thought.

We've all got our pet peeves and one of mine is the use (and overuse) of stupid phrases.  Stupid phrases have a shelf-life - or should - and should be poured down the drain like spoiled milk.

Wouldn't it be fabulous to create one of these stupid phrases and be able to collect royalties on it every single time it was used and overused?  (insert opening of Pink Floyd's 'Money' here.)

Here are just a few of what makes my head explode (oops, I think that's a stupid phrase now from overuse)

At the End of the Day - this should only be said when the actual end of the day is meant.  Not when the speaker means: When this is over with.

I love Him/Her to Death - WFT?  So, once they kick the bucket there goes your love and affection?  No, people use this expression when they pretty much mean the opposite.  They really want to say: You drive me in-friggin-sane and I would kill you right here on the spot if I could get away with it.

Not for Nothing - This one's been around a LONG time and it's pretty much granddaddy to the: I love him/her to death above.  It's tantamount to No Offense But...[insert insult here]

Grandkids - Grant it, it's only one word and not a phrase, but it's stupid.  It's grandchildren.  Not kids. 

Think Outside the Box - This one has truly outlived its usefulness.

Years Young - I find is insulting when someone (usually a local radio station sending out birthday announcements) says, 'Happy Birthday to Edna Blodgett who turns 83 years young today.'   Just drop the 'years young' and stop patronizing the elderly.

Any Percentage More than 100,  - Ask any 5th grader.  Saying you've given something 110% is silly.  Stop it.  Then it sounds like you're lying to cover up for NOT having giving it even 100%.

From the Get-Go - What's wrong with: From the beginning?  OR: From the start?  Get-Go?  Is that some down-home cutesie expression?  It needs to stop.

Step up to the Plate - OK, again, stop it.  Really.  Another baseball analogy to make us feel like we're Team Players?  Quit it.  Honestly.  I could scream.  How about: Wow, you really too the initiative with this project and I'm pleased with the results? 

Hit The Ground Running - You might think this is another sports analogy, but it's probably military-related.  Soldiers being reminded not to jump out of the helicopter or exited the back of a canvas covered truck and stroll for cover but to put a bit of hurry-up in their gait.

EVOO - I had to stop watching Rachel Ray's cooking show because of those four letters.  Do people have that much of a time constraint on their lives that they don't have time to say: Extra Virgin Olive Oil? 

There are lots and lots of words in the dictionary.  Try to use your imagination and impress others with your individuality.  Create your own new phrases.  And maybe they'll catch on and after they're beaten into the ground and almost come to mean the opposite of what you intended, I'll add them to my list.

Remember the first time you saw or heard about car bras?  It was definitely a WTF moment for me.  They weren't the big pointy cones like the ones Madonna wore back in the day, they were just these bits of leather, pleather, faux leather, vinyl - whatever material fits the budget - that went around the headlights.  One ad stated it was for hood protection, yet the 'leather' barely spread 8" above the headlight and to me that's not really protecting the entire hood.  Sort of like going out into a downpour with a lace hankie held over your head - not really going to do much good. 

I thought car bras had faded into the realm of pet rocks and earth shoes.  They made an initial splash, then were relegated to the embarrassment of the basement, garage or dumpster.  But I saw a little white car (make/model unknown) the other day outfitted in a black bra and I couldn't help but think how stupid it was.  It didn't seem to serve any purpose at all and my penchant for anthropomorphizing things made me feel embarrassed for the car.  Did it really want to be seen out in public wearing a bra? 

Now something that would be useful would be a car thong.  For those minor fender-benders that make it nearly impossible for you to shut your trunk properly, strap a pleather car thong on that thang and voila!   No more fiddling around with bungie cords, duct tape, or expensive auto-body shop repairs.  To cap it off, slap a tramp stamp (bumper sticker) up on the trunk in the spot above the thong to add to the high end look.

If you ask most people in an informal survey they'll say their lucky # is 3, their favorite color is blue and yes, they're afraid of clowns.  Why?  Three is a special number going back to the Holy Trinity.  When you find yourself in a situation where you're hiding behind a parked car and the zombie who's been following you and your friend all afternoon is approaching, you and your friend will catch your breath and whisper, "One, two, three. GO!" and run for it.  Sometimes 3 is not a good number as in '3 on a match', allegedly from WWII when 3 soldiers would huddle in the darkness of night lighting their cigarettes with 1 match.  The time it took to light all 3 gave the enemy time to aim and ... well, you know what happens. And the ancient game of Rock, Paper, Scissors.  It just wouldn't be the same if it was Rock, Paper, Scissors and Fire.  Even in modern humor, things are funnier in 3s.

  Blue is the color of the sky on a nice day and the ocean on a beautiful day at the beach.  It's pleasant to look at and soothing. 

But clowns?  They're supposed to make us cheer us and make us  laugh.  Hey, that bucket of confetti's a real knee-slapper.  And that ear-splitting squeak of the twisting of those tubular rubber balloons into sculptures are meant to delight us.  And why not?  These people are professionals.  Some clowns went to school for this.  Only they don't call it 'school', they call it 'college'.  Is that Clown College or Klown Kollege?  Do the K's make it funnier?  Like in picKle, chicKen, and cankles, etc? 

Are they matriculated?  Is it a two-year college?  Do they get an Associates Degree in Clownology? Running in Slapshoes 101. How to Cram 8 clowns into a Smart Car?   Is it a four-year program and they graduate with a BS - Bachelor of Silliness?  Bachelor of Slapstick?  Can they go for their Masters in Clownology?  For a more in-depth study of intricate balloon animals, perhaps?  Lectures on the art of sweeping up that spotlight until it disappears?    How to Dance on Stilts.  How to work with highly inbred, neurotic poodles whose hair has been dyed and shaved into 'clownlike' designs and have them hop through hoops.

There's a whole 'nother two-year program on Rodeo Clowns - How to Avoid Being Crushed by a Crazed Bronco With Ropes Tied to Its Genitals, How to Distract a Crowd From Noticing a Thrown Rider Being Gored by a Bull.  How to Run in Slapshoes in Sawdust and Avoid the Steaming Piles of Horse and Bullshit.

You can paint a big friggin' red smile on your face and wear a big orange fright wig and a hat four sizes too small and a flower that squirts on your lapel, and you can throw buckets of confetti at us and make a poodle balloon for us to wear on our heads....the bottom line is we're still gonna think you've got a number of bodies buried in shallow graves in your basement.