As I was waking up this morning I realized I was dreaming. I watched myself doing stand-up. And I was bombing. Flop sweat, cotton mouth and all. It was horrid. I was wishing there was a teleprompter 'cause I couldn't remember my jokes/routine. Then I was nearly fully awake but still drowsing and I imagined me saying to the audience:
"Well, summer's here." and there was just the tiniest hint of a female chuckle from the back of the room. So the me doing stand-up says, addressing that woman: "Sure, you like the hot weather. You're skinny, you don't have to worry about chafing." That got a laugh and I felt I was starting to win over the audience (whom I couldn't see - it was a dark and smokey room.
Now I'm awake and just riffing with the stand-up idea and I've magically made a white screen appear behind me to project images on. And I say:
"Yeah, everybody's gonna be out on their boats soon. You got a boat?" [I vaguely address audience members - I generally abhor audience participation when I'm in the audience, but I think it works well (sometimes) when you're the one onstage - ala Woody Allen.]
"Well, you know everybody out here in the Hamptons has a boat. Billy Joel, Diddy, Jay-Z. You have to. It's expected. You ever see Jay-Z out here on his big fancy yacht? The thing is huge. What would you say that was, about a thirty, thirty-five footer?" (audience laughs)
"Last summer I saw him getting it in the water. It's a pretty big production as you would imagine. He's got it on one of those boat trailers on the back of his Maybach, backing it down the ramp. And Beyonce's off to the side directing him: 'To the left, to the left, baby. A little more.' (howls of appreciative laughter)
I live near a marina. No, it's true, I do. You see how they shrink wrap the boats in that white shrink wrap stuff? It makes me crazy though. They don't want you to carry your corn on the cob home from the supermarket in a plastic bag, but it's OK to wrap an entire yacht in plastic. [laughter]
Please, don't get me started. So, anyway, yeah, you have to shrink wrap your boat. It protects the paint job from the snow and ice, and hopefully keeps the little creatures out. And, yes, I'm talking about the Mexicans." (Loud laughter with a couple of 'Ooohs' mixed in.] "Hey, I'm kidding. [makes a 'not really' face]
"Yeah, so, I took my boat there, had it done. It's expensive, though. About $12 a linear foot. [picture of shrink-wrapped 6' dinghy appears on screen] This baby set me back about $72."
"Well, summer's here." and there was just the tiniest hint of a female chuckle from the back of the room. So the me doing stand-up says, addressing that woman: "Sure, you like the hot weather. You're skinny, you don't have to worry about chafing." That got a laugh and I felt I was starting to win over the audience (whom I couldn't see - it was a dark and smokey room.
Now I'm awake and just riffing with the stand-up idea and I've magically made a white screen appear behind me to project images on. And I say:
"Yeah, everybody's gonna be out on their boats soon. You got a boat?" [I vaguely address audience members - I generally abhor audience participation when I'm in the audience, but I think it works well (sometimes) when you're the one onstage - ala Woody Allen.]
"Well, you know everybody out here in the Hamptons has a boat. Billy Joel, Diddy, Jay-Z. You have to. It's expected. You ever see Jay-Z out here on his big fancy yacht? The thing is huge. What would you say that was, about a thirty, thirty-five footer?" (audience laughs)
"Last summer I saw him getting it in the water. It's a pretty big production as you would imagine. He's got it on one of those boat trailers on the back of his Maybach, backing it down the ramp. And Beyonce's off to the side directing him: 'To the left, to the left, baby. A little more.' (howls of appreciative laughter)
I live near a marina. No, it's true, I do. You see how they shrink wrap the boats in that white shrink wrap stuff? It makes me crazy though. They don't want you to carry your corn on the cob home from the supermarket in a plastic bag, but it's OK to wrap an entire yacht in plastic. [laughter]
Please, don't get me started. So, anyway, yeah, you have to shrink wrap your boat. It protects the paint job from the snow and ice, and hopefully keeps the little creatures out. And, yes, I'm talking about the Mexicans." (Loud laughter with a couple of 'Ooohs' mixed in.] "Hey, I'm kidding. [makes a 'not really' face]
"Yeah, so, I took my boat there, had it done. It's expensive, though. About $12 a linear foot. [picture of shrink-wrapped 6' dinghy appears on screen] This baby set me back about $72."
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